I welcomed this day with wide-open arms. This past week was the week from hell; Long papers, late nights, stress, tears. But today? Today was the complete opposite. No loopy laugh attacks like at school, but a constant, peaceful smile. Started it off with a chai latte and a fresh orange at Starbucks, watching my mama work. I mindlessly stared at her, studying her face--each wrinkle, a sign of hard work--and I thought about what she has taught me, what she is teaching me and I am grateful. For just a day, I tried to push all of the pressure aside and just be. I walked around slowly, taking it all in--the sunshine, the cool air on my warm skin, the people of this world--rich, poor, smiling, angry, homeless, scared, young, old, naive. I felt so alive and present and independent; I felt good, after a week of bad.
I did a lot of driving today, which I love. So soothing--just me and the road, with the occasional car passing by and with the trees looming overhead. It was the perfect opportunity for me to be alone with my thoughts. I thought about who I am as a person and who I want to be and how I will find that realistic medium between the two--what I need to change, and lord knows there's a lot. I thought about my sister and how she's graduating this year. Graduating! Starting a new chapter in her life and damn, am I proud of her. To watch the bumps along her road, her recovery, her progress and her achievements has been such a bittersweet privilege. She has such a beautiful and gentle heart and a wild, free soul. I thought of my relationship with my father; how I so desperately wish it were different but how I'm still grateful for what we do have and for my ability to not let it weigh my heart down too often. I thought of my faith, how I'm still not quite sure what I believe and how that's okay for now. I thought of my future, how scary it is, but how I have people behind me, believing it'll be bright. I thought of how I felt left out today, how I wasn't invited to something but how I can't be included in everything because that's just how life works. Lastly, I thought about how I want to be more peaceful... more zen and the following quote came to mind.
