Part I: Since when do we have family meetings?

Homework is calling, but this blank page is calling louder. I need to write, to share my story. I'm assuming nobody will find this (but clearly you found it if you are reading it now), but I just need to say: this isn't for you. This is for me. ALL for me. To figure out why I am who I am, to really get to know myself. I need to remember the past, and while it only contains 16 years, memory is selective. So this won't be easy, I know that. I'm not going to start at the very beginning. I don't have time for that! But if I recall correctly, childhood was grand--full, rich, happy.


Henry (11) and I (7) were in the midst of building one of our infamous couch cushion forts with the ratty ol' salmon colored couch. It was the weekend and it seemed like any other weekend day filled with play. "Henry and Sophie, we're having a family meeting, come sit down," Mom said calmly. A family meeting? Since when do we have family meetings? Henry and I sat Indian style on the floor while Mom and Dad sat on a couch in front of us. They were about to tell us something that no parent ever wants to tell their kids, and something no kid ever wants to hear. Mom started, "Your dad and I have something we need to tell you..." There was a long pause as I watched her bottom lip quiver and tears start rolling down her cheeks in slow motion. "Your Mom and I love you both and Lucy very much. However, we're getting divorced--separated. Taking a break from each other, spending time apart and it's not your fault," Dad finished. My little seven year old heart sank. Shock. Confusion. Did I hear them wrong? Separation? Is that really what they mean? I looked down at the floor during the next long pause. When I looked up, Mom's eyes were saying sorry and asking for forgiveness. Dad's eyes welled up with tears. I examined their faces, not knowing what the future held. Mom composed herself, "Dad's going to move out for a little while, and we'll see how things go." "So it might not be forever?," I asked. "Right, we'll see...," she said. I wanted her to say no, of course it won't be forever, this is just temporary, but that wasn't the response I got. I reassured my young self, told myself that it might not be forever, that my mommy and daddy's marriage hadn't totally gone down the drain, but I knew better. And at that, the meeting was over. I remember having more questions, but not being able to ask them, in fear of getting more answers I wasn't ready to hear. I didn't cry a single tear that day, but my soul felt crushed. That family meeting (which was missing a member of the family!) is the last memory I have of Mom and Dad together. It was forever, just as I had known deep down.

Happiness

Today is a good day. I'm sitting on the second floor of a Starbucks in Georgetown, DC, peering out the door at those sitting on the outdoor deck. There's some cute guy reading a book with one foot up on the chair next to him, and a sweet elderly couple just out enjoying this beautiful weather. I should be doing homework right now, but I just don't have the drive. It's vacation so I'm letting it slide.

I'm in the midst of these years where I'm supposed to be finding myself. At least I think that's what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'd say I'm on my way. The road is long, for god's sake! But man is it good. As I look back on this year--junior year--I can pinpoint some of the rougher times. They sure have been present, but so have the good. I hope that I'll look back on this year with a light, happy heart and be grateful for all that was, for all that is. It's amazing, knowing that I can be anyone who I want to be, but it's also so difficult being real and being myself, instead of this person I want to be. Trying to stay true, is what I'm doing. True to my family and to my friends who are so honest and beautiful, and who are on this journey with me. Also, I'm try to remind myself as often as possible that a.) the world doesn't revolve around me and b.) I'm not in this alone. Two very crucial parts of life, I think. Anyway, my point is: life is crazy. This whole living thing! Insanity. And I'm just doing my best, at least I'd like to think I am. Doing my best when I can. How's that? Better.

While this coming Monday means back-to-school and probably a few "this is all too much" tears, today is a good day, and I'm going to enjoy it, goddammit.