Human

I'm not sure who's reading this little blog of mine. Perhaps complete strangers, happening upon these pages after random Google searches, perhaps people I know. Either way, I can see pageviews and while some posts feel like top-secret diary entries, part of me likes knowing that someone out there is reading the words I write. This is one of those posts where part of me hopes nobody ever sees it and the other part hopes the whole world reads it because what I feel, what's going on in my little world, are pure and real and raw. I'm so very human.

I'm not sure if my mom meant to tell me this way, or if she thought she had already told me, but she handed me a piece of paper (an application for financial aid) that contained the words "her (my) father is filing for bankruptcy." Anger. Fear. Embarrassment. I immediately got online and researched more about this concept that I'd only seen in movies or heard of when referring to Twinkies. More fear. Will he be living in a tent for the rest of his life? Google never answered that one for me. I'm still wondering. I just want this money shit to be over. I keep telling myself: these are not. your. problems. But they kind of are. I just have no control over them and I need to accept that and move on.

On another note, my Poppy girl, my very first and sweetest dog, is dying. Frequent seizures and couldn't get up tonight. I know it will be soon. Death is inevitable. It's just so damn hard. I just want to hold her and tell her I love her a million times and tell her that she made going over to that house bearable for so many years. I love her for that. I love her velvet black ears and her deep, throaty bark. I love the way she jumps like a spring when she hears the word "walk." And I hate, I fucking hate with every fiber of my being, the fact that I haven't seen her in MONTHS and probably will not see her again because I cannot get myself to go over there with those people there. That's vague, I know, but that issue deserves its own post. I just still can't get over the way things have turned out. When I sort some things out in my head, I'll be back here, hopefully with a more positive post. Thanks for reading.