on why this has been the best summer of my life

In August, I often take some time to reflect on my summer--the good, the bad and all that falls in between. And, upon reflection, I almost always declare that "this was the best summer of my life." But thinking back to all the summers that I can actually remember, I'm pretty sure this really has been my favorite summer. It has been a two month long celebration of all that is good in life. It feels like June was eons ago, yet I also feel like summer has flown by. It's overwhelming really, the gratefulness I feel for this life. I love the balance I had, between work and play. My work in July was play and my work in August was certainly not play, but it was balanced out by play. I made it out to Cliff Island this summer, where I relived my childhood; Chebeague, where I created eternal memories; and Peaks, where I explored new territory. I went camping three times (more this summer than in the past ten years)--on a beach, in the woods and in a field. I fell in love with the ocean all over again, with the earth beneath my feet and with the sun that browned my skin. I sat around campfires after barbecues and through laughter and tears, shared my heart with friends. I ate out way more than I should have and I biked around town aimlessly, because I could. I pushed aside my fears, worries and burdens and I lived big. I enjoyed myself this summer.

I ended this summer with a plethora of goodbyes. A few of my closest friends have left for great adventures. I miss them already, but know they are where they need to be at this stage in their life. The pessimist in me wonders if our promises of lifelong friendships will be kept, but my head tells me "of course you will keep them!" and my heart tells me that either way, I'm better for having known them.

I begin my senior year in just one day. I don't know whether to be horrified or overjoyed at how fast time seems to be flying. Wasn't I just a freshman yesterday? I'm mostly excited. This is a significant chapter of my life and I want to live it well. My main goal for this year though? Laughter. To quote Daughtry, "All that I'm after is a life full of laughter."

Alive

I'm feeling alive this summer, more than ever before. With each breath, I'm aware of my chest heaving up and down, and with each step, I feel the earth beneath my feet, a constant reminder of where I am grounded. I feel present, here. I paused everything for a minute today and felt instantly grateful for not feeling an ounce of physical pain. A major blessing in that moment--a life nearly free of physical pain. Without that cut, that burn, that break, that earache, I can focus on any mental and emotional weight. My burdens are small in the grand scheme--present but small--and for that I am lucky. If only I could remember that in times of great distress...my burdens are small.

a few minutes into the movie i look down. leg, lots of leg. contorted, smooshed, flattened on the table. cellulite. fat. i am fully aware of it for the rest of the film. on my mind, constantly. why? i think. how? i can't worry about that now. i must find the best angle, i think. i can't let them see all this. and before i know it, this comment comes, the one i don't need to hear. loud and clear. and i wait til they leave and i run to my bed and cry into my blanket and i wonder what the fuck is wrong with me and i go to bed.

part 2: finding out about her

"Daddy, what's this?," I asked, handing him a soft, long nightgown covered in some christmasy pattern. Before I even got a response, he was practically dragging me across his small apartment, through the computer room, through the kitchen and into the tiny bathroom that was lined with yellow linoleum floors.

I was the last to find out.

He sat me atop the toilet and pulled a chair in from the kitchen for himself. He was vague--"just the nightgown of a friend," he told me. "A girlfriend?" I asked. "Yes." I proceeded to ask more questions--all so naive--about her name, where she lived, if she had any animals, if I would ever meet her, etc. I wasn't angry, as I would be now. I was curious and perhaps a little confused. It had only been a matter of months since he'd moved out.

I went along with it, just as I had the separation, but I wondered, how could he love anyone other than mommy? Gone was any possibility of my parents getting back together. In a way, it offered me a sense of closure but at the same time, the hole in my heart grew. Nobody prepared me for that. It came at me like an impossible to catch fastball and instead of stretching my arm out to catch it, I let it hit my bare hand and drop to the ground.

All is well

So my little plan to "share my story" wasn't as feasible as I expected. I've got some more processing to do and then I'll be back at it. For now I'll just talk about the present. How I have eight days of school left, I do not know. I honestly didn't think I would make it through this year! When I step back for just a mere second, I see such beauty in this year. There was growth in so many ways so regardless of my grades or the gray hairs which I may or may not have gotten, I'd say this year has been a success. I've gained a greater appreciation for my family, for friendship, for my amazing education and for life, which has thrown so many wonderful opportunities my way. I feel like I can do anything, like my future is mine to create. I'm just so excited for life and for living and for each new beginning that will in some way shape who I am.

Life, bring it on.

Part I: Since when do we have family meetings?

Homework is calling, but this blank page is calling louder. I need to write, to share my story. I'm assuming nobody will find this (but clearly you found it if you are reading it now), but I just need to say: this isn't for you. This is for me. ALL for me. To figure out why I am who I am, to really get to know myself. I need to remember the past, and while it only contains 16 years, memory is selective. So this won't be easy, I know that. I'm not going to start at the very beginning. I don't have time for that! But if I recall correctly, childhood was grand--full, rich, happy.


Henry (11) and I (7) were in the midst of building one of our infamous couch cushion forts with the ratty ol' salmon colored couch. It was the weekend and it seemed like any other weekend day filled with play. "Henry and Sophie, we're having a family meeting, come sit down," Mom said calmly. A family meeting? Since when do we have family meetings? Henry and I sat Indian style on the floor while Mom and Dad sat on a couch in front of us. They were about to tell us something that no parent ever wants to tell their kids, and something no kid ever wants to hear. Mom started, "Your dad and I have something we need to tell you..." There was a long pause as I watched her bottom lip quiver and tears start rolling down her cheeks in slow motion. "Your Mom and I love you both and Lucy very much. However, we're getting divorced--separated. Taking a break from each other, spending time apart and it's not your fault," Dad finished. My little seven year old heart sank. Shock. Confusion. Did I hear them wrong? Separation? Is that really what they mean? I looked down at the floor during the next long pause. When I looked up, Mom's eyes were saying sorry and asking for forgiveness. Dad's eyes welled up with tears. I examined their faces, not knowing what the future held. Mom composed herself, "Dad's going to move out for a little while, and we'll see how things go." "So it might not be forever?," I asked. "Right, we'll see...," she said. I wanted her to say no, of course it won't be forever, this is just temporary, but that wasn't the response I got. I reassured my young self, told myself that it might not be forever, that my mommy and daddy's marriage hadn't totally gone down the drain, but I knew better. And at that, the meeting was over. I remember having more questions, but not being able to ask them, in fear of getting more answers I wasn't ready to hear. I didn't cry a single tear that day, but my soul felt crushed. That family meeting (which was missing a member of the family!) is the last memory I have of Mom and Dad together. It was forever, just as I had known deep down.

Happiness

Today is a good day. I'm sitting on the second floor of a Starbucks in Georgetown, DC, peering out the door at those sitting on the outdoor deck. There's some cute guy reading a book with one foot up on the chair next to him, and a sweet elderly couple just out enjoying this beautiful weather. I should be doing homework right now, but I just don't have the drive. It's vacation so I'm letting it slide.

I'm in the midst of these years where I'm supposed to be finding myself. At least I think that's what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'd say I'm on my way. The road is long, for god's sake! But man is it good. As I look back on this year--junior year--I can pinpoint some of the rougher times. They sure have been present, but so have the good. I hope that I'll look back on this year with a light, happy heart and be grateful for all that was, for all that is. It's amazing, knowing that I can be anyone who I want to be, but it's also so difficult being real and being myself, instead of this person I want to be. Trying to stay true, is what I'm doing. True to my family and to my friends who are so honest and beautiful, and who are on this journey with me. Also, I'm try to remind myself as often as possible that a.) the world doesn't revolve around me and b.) I'm not in this alone. Two very crucial parts of life, I think. Anyway, my point is: life is crazy. This whole living thing! Insanity. And I'm just doing my best, at least I'd like to think I am. Doing my best when I can. How's that? Better.

While this coming Monday means back-to-school and probably a few "this is all too much" tears, today is a good day, and I'm going to enjoy it, goddammit.

Be still, my heart.

Trying so hard to not let this get to me, to be good about this, to be respectful and mature when I so badly want to put up a nasty fight. Trying to be grateful for all that it is and to not think about what it could have been.

That is all. 

I welcomed this day with wide-open arms. This past week was the week from hell; Long papers, late nights, stress, tears. But today? Today was the complete opposite. No loopy laugh attacks like at school, but a constant, peaceful smile. Started it off with a chai latte and a fresh orange at Starbucks, watching my mama work. I mindlessly stared at her, studying her face--each wrinkle, a sign of hard work--and I thought about what she has taught me, what she is teaching me and I am grateful. For just a day, I tried to push all of the pressure aside and just be. I walked around slowly, taking it all in--the sunshine, the cool air on my warm skin, the people of this world--rich, poor, smiling, angry, homeless, scared, young, old, naive. I felt so alive and present and independent; I felt good, after a week of bad.

I did a lot of driving today, which I love. So soothing--just me and the road, with the occasional car passing by and with the trees looming overhead. It was the perfect opportunity for me to be alone with my thoughts. I thought about who I am as a person and who I want to be and how I will find that realistic medium between the two--what I need to change, and lord knows there's a lot. I thought about my sister and how she's graduating this year. Graduating! Starting a new chapter in her life and damn, am I proud of her. To watch the bumps along her road, her recovery, her progress and her achievements has been such a bittersweet privilege. She has such a beautiful and gentle heart and a  wild, free soul. I thought of my relationship with my father; how I so desperately wish it were different but how I'm still grateful for what we do have and for my ability to not let it weigh my heart down too often. I thought of my faith, how I'm still not quite sure what I believe and how that's okay for now. I thought of my future, how scary it is, but how I have people behind me, believing it'll be bright. I thought of how I felt left out today, how I wasn't invited to something but how I can't be included in everything because that's just how life works. Lastly, I thought about how I want to be more peaceful... more zen and the following quote came to mind.

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And as my head is about to hit the pillow and my eyes are slowly closing,  I am in just that place and my heart is ever so calm.

I'm Thankful...

~for my crazy puppy who is 40 pounds of pure love and who manages to get cuter every day.
~for "no shave november." That's all I have to say about that one.
~for my teachers who deprive me of sleep but in turn are giving me a bang-up education. 
~for my job which is a consistent source of income and which has taught me a lot about hard work. 
~for the sun that rises each morning and sets each night and never ceases to amaze me with its beauty. 
~for my body and my mind and the resilience that both possess.
~for my friends who keep me laughing and who always catch me when I fall. 
~for my parents who always remind me of my potential and who never let me give up. 
~for Bruces' Burritos for fulfilling my constant need for Mexican food.
~for snow--yippee!
~for this blessed life.