Part I: Since when do we have family meetings?

Homework is calling, but this blank page is calling louder. I need to write, to share my story. I'm assuming nobody will find this (but clearly you found it if you are reading it now), but I just need to say: this isn't for you. This is for me. ALL for me. To figure out why I am who I am, to really get to know myself. I need to remember the past, and while it only contains 16 years, memory is selective. So this won't be easy, I know that. I'm not going to start at the very beginning. I don't have time for that! But if I recall correctly, childhood was grand--full, rich, happy.


Henry (11) and I (7) were in the midst of building one of our infamous couch cushion forts with the ratty ol' salmon colored couch. It was the weekend and it seemed like any other weekend day filled with play. "Henry and Sophie, we're having a family meeting, come sit down," Mom said calmly. A family meeting? Since when do we have family meetings? Henry and I sat Indian style on the floor while Mom and Dad sat on a couch in front of us. They were about to tell us something that no parent ever wants to tell their kids, and something no kid ever wants to hear. Mom started, "Your dad and I have something we need to tell you..." There was a long pause as I watched her bottom lip quiver and tears start rolling down her cheeks in slow motion. "Your Mom and I love you both and Lucy very much. However, we're getting divorced--separated. Taking a break from each other, spending time apart and it's not your fault," Dad finished. My little seven year old heart sank. Shock. Confusion. Did I hear them wrong? Separation? Is that really what they mean? I looked down at the floor during the next long pause. When I looked up, Mom's eyes were saying sorry and asking for forgiveness. Dad's eyes welled up with tears. I examined their faces, not knowing what the future held. Mom composed herself, "Dad's going to move out for a little while, and we'll see how things go." "So it might not be forever?," I asked. "Right, we'll see...," she said. I wanted her to say no, of course it won't be forever, this is just temporary, but that wasn't the response I got. I reassured my young self, told myself that it might not be forever, that my mommy and daddy's marriage hadn't totally gone down the drain, but I knew better. And at that, the meeting was over. I remember having more questions, but not being able to ask them, in fear of getting more answers I wasn't ready to hear. I didn't cry a single tear that day, but my soul felt crushed. That family meeting (which was missing a member of the family!) is the last memory I have of Mom and Dad together. It was forever, just as I had known deep down.

Happiness

Today is a good day. I'm sitting on the second floor of a Starbucks in Georgetown, DC, peering out the door at those sitting on the outdoor deck. There's some cute guy reading a book with one foot up on the chair next to him, and a sweet elderly couple just out enjoying this beautiful weather. I should be doing homework right now, but I just don't have the drive. It's vacation so I'm letting it slide.

I'm in the midst of these years where I'm supposed to be finding myself. At least I think that's what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'd say I'm on my way. The road is long, for god's sake! But man is it good. As I look back on this year--junior year--I can pinpoint some of the rougher times. They sure have been present, but so have the good. I hope that I'll look back on this year with a light, happy heart and be grateful for all that was, for all that is. It's amazing, knowing that I can be anyone who I want to be, but it's also so difficult being real and being myself, instead of this person I want to be. Trying to stay true, is what I'm doing. True to my family and to my friends who are so honest and beautiful, and who are on this journey with me. Also, I'm try to remind myself as often as possible that a.) the world doesn't revolve around me and b.) I'm not in this alone. Two very crucial parts of life, I think. Anyway, my point is: life is crazy. This whole living thing! Insanity. And I'm just doing my best, at least I'd like to think I am. Doing my best when I can. How's that? Better.

While this coming Monday means back-to-school and probably a few "this is all too much" tears, today is a good day, and I'm going to enjoy it, goddammit.

Be still, my heart.

Trying so hard to not let this get to me, to be good about this, to be respectful and mature when I so badly want to put up a nasty fight. Trying to be grateful for all that it is and to not think about what it could have been.

That is all. 

I welcomed this day with wide-open arms. This past week was the week from hell; Long papers, late nights, stress, tears. But today? Today was the complete opposite. No loopy laugh attacks like at school, but a constant, peaceful smile. Started it off with a chai latte and a fresh orange at Starbucks, watching my mama work. I mindlessly stared at her, studying her face--each wrinkle, a sign of hard work--and I thought about what she has taught me, what she is teaching me and I am grateful. For just a day, I tried to push all of the pressure aside and just be. I walked around slowly, taking it all in--the sunshine, the cool air on my warm skin, the people of this world--rich, poor, smiling, angry, homeless, scared, young, old, naive. I felt so alive and present and independent; I felt good, after a week of bad.

I did a lot of driving today, which I love. So soothing--just me and the road, with the occasional car passing by and with the trees looming overhead. It was the perfect opportunity for me to be alone with my thoughts. I thought about who I am as a person and who I want to be and how I will find that realistic medium between the two--what I need to change, and lord knows there's a lot. I thought about my sister and how she's graduating this year. Graduating! Starting a new chapter in her life and damn, am I proud of her. To watch the bumps along her road, her recovery, her progress and her achievements has been such a bittersweet privilege. She has such a beautiful and gentle heart and a  wild, free soul. I thought of my relationship with my father; how I so desperately wish it were different but how I'm still grateful for what we do have and for my ability to not let it weigh my heart down too often. I thought of my faith, how I'm still not quite sure what I believe and how that's okay for now. I thought of my future, how scary it is, but how I have people behind me, believing it'll be bright. I thought of how I felt left out today, how I wasn't invited to something but how I can't be included in everything because that's just how life works. Lastly, I thought about how I want to be more peaceful... more zen and the following quote came to mind.

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And as my head is about to hit the pillow and my eyes are slowly closing,  I am in just that place and my heart is ever so calm.

I'm Thankful...

~for my crazy puppy who is 40 pounds of pure love and who manages to get cuter every day.
~for "no shave november." That's all I have to say about that one.
~for my teachers who deprive me of sleep but in turn are giving me a bang-up education. 
~for my job which is a consistent source of income and which has taught me a lot about hard work. 
~for the sun that rises each morning and sets each night and never ceases to amaze me with its beauty. 
~for my body and my mind and the resilience that both possess.
~for my friends who keep me laughing and who always catch me when I fall. 
~for my parents who always remind me of my potential and who never let me give up. 
~for Bruces' Burritos for fulfilling my constant need for Mexican food.
~for snow--yippee!
~for this blessed life. 

Finding the Silver Lining

You can blame summer for my lack of appearance on here. I've been busy and it's been good. Life lately has been a wild ride but I've held on tight; I've accepted things I wouldn't normally be willing to accept and at this point, nothing surprises me anymore. There has been more change in these past few months than there has been in this past year but for once, I feel in control of my emotions, my actions and my life as a whole. I feel stable, happy and ever so grateful for the wonderful people that make me smile each day. In two weeks, school starts and I'll turn another page in this huge book of life. It will be perhaps one of the most challenging nine months of my life thus far, but right now I'm trying to look past the tears and suffering that it will entail and see the beauty in the routine of school and the rewarding moments that makes it all worth it. I'm going to go in strong and when I feel my knees getting weak and my life starting to crumble, I will come right back here and read about how it is indeed possible for me to gain control and find the silver lining amidst the chaos of life.

My Girl

Dear Luna,

I think you get cuter each day. And also more mischievous. You are so sneaky and aggravating at times (like when you ate through my flip flop strap today) but for the most part, you are the sweetest girl in the world.

I love you, babe.

xo,
Soph

Coming home.

Windows down, fresh summer breeze pouring in. Sun on my back, clouds overhead, lightning ahead in the distance. I don’t mind being stuck in traffic, I have nowhere to be. Christina Perri’s voice spills out of the speakers, filling the car with sound. I scan my surroundings, finding immediate peace in the midst of rush hour. Everyone is on their way home; to their husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, senile parent, dysfunctional sibling, kids, dog, parrot, empty house, cluttered apartment, tattered shack, shimmering mansion, whatever. They are going home. I am going home too. Nobody will be there to greet me, except for the puppy. Mom is working late tonight. This has become the norm and I am okay with it. I fly around the corner of the exit that takes me home and my CDs scatter everywhere. I follow a “student driver” for a few miles. That nervous teen was me a year ago, going two under the speed limit, putting on the brakes for the slightest curve in the road, gripping the steering wheel with each muscle in my hand. Now here I am, a year later, driving alone, embracing the privilege of having this sacred time to think. I think of my day, I didn’t really accomplish much but I did spend time with the grandparents. My grandfather has gotten so old. For every thought he cares to share, he has to search for the words. For each step he takes, he shuffles those bony feet of his. I like the way my grandmother still calls him “babe” and it melted my heart from when sitting in the back seat, I saw him reach over and rest his hand on her thigh, giving a gentle, loving pat. I think of how funny this whole life thing is and how strange and thought provoking it is for me to watch this man, who has eighty years on me mind you, decline. For a moment, I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of this gift I have been given--life. I take a large deep breath as the wind pulls my hair to one side and as I exhale, I feel my eyes twinkle and my smile widen. I am blessed.

Life

I made it. I powered through finals and I finished my sophomore year. That was like...ten days ago, so clearly I have some updating to do. On my last school night, as I grappled with explaining why WWII led to the Cold War, and I stayed up until 3am doing so, I decided that I deserved something special--an end of the year gift, if you will. But I decided for it to feel as rewarding as possible, I needed to buy it for myself. I settled on a MacBook Pro. It was a spontaneous, impulsive purchase but something that will come in very handy as I approach my junior year.

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I missed blogging about Father's Day, so here are some very belated words. Happy Father's Day, Dad. I know things have been rough lately but I love you to death and I sincerely hope that our relationship is on the mend.

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I started watching Glee. In fact, I watched 11 episodes in three days (it was rainy, I swear). It's wicked funny and cute and has the best cast of characters. They are all so stereotypical and that's what I love about them. Matthew Morrison, who plays the role of the Glee Club advisor, is hot and so enjoyable to watch and Jane Lynch, who plays the cheerleading coach, is so sarcastic and has the most contemptuous humor. I'm not a huge fan of TV shows but I have been converted to a Glee fan!

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These are the days that I pined for all winter long. Summer is here and I am doing my best to savor each precious minute. I can't find many words today, which might have something to do with the fact that my brain has entered full-on summer mode. All I can say is that life is good, summer is treating me really well and I am happy and blessed. On that note, I leave you with some pictures of the start to a really great, two month long adventure: summer.

Thoughts on a Thursday Evening.

Tonight I feel raw. I feel broken and I feel vulnerable. I feel like life is passing by right before my eyes and I'm sprinting to catch up but I just can't run fast enough. So much is going on, so much is changing and I'm trying to adjust, trying to graciously accept each new day.

Today at my school we had our "Class Day" ceremony for the seniors. Awards were given by each department, the band played, the chorus sung and silly speeches were made. For the first time this year, we saw the seniors marching in their caps and gowns, their parents watching them proudly while the underclassmen (that's me!) sat on the bleachers, admiring their accomplishments and envisioning the day where they are recognized for making it through twelve years of schooling. It's hard enough to grasp the fact that this graduating class will not be with us next year. The current juniors will walk in the footsteps of the seniors while us sophomores excitedly become upperclassmen. The current freshmen will become sophomores and will worry about being the forgotten grade and the little, dear incoming freshmen will walk through the halls with fear as they turn a major page in the book of life.

Not only am I feeling anxious for finals, for finishing up this year so we can ease into summer but I also can't stop thinking about what my life will be like in two years. I will be one of those students dressed in a cap and gown, marching down that aisle while MY family comes to the realization that I will shortly be entering the "real world." It's a scary place, this real world. In just two short years, will I be ready to leave my parents? I will have been with them for eighteen years and then with just a simple snap of the fingers, I'll be gone. Of course I'll be home for holidays and such but I will not be living under this roof where I feel so safe and so loved. I assume the seniors who are graduating on Sunday are thinking these thoughts. And why am I thinking them when I still have two years to go, you ask? Simply because today when I heard a few seniors speak of how surreal all of this was and how fast it happened, I got concerned. What if I don't embrace these next two years, these last, precious years with my best friends, my family and my community? I know these years will be challenging, brain-wracking, heart-wrenching, life changing and oh so precious. I will run fast, I will run as fast as my legs will let me and I will catch up to life. I will reach the point where I am feeling in touch, secure and at peace with the new changes that life will throw at me over the course of the next two years.