Numb.

I have no appetite, my head is pounding and I can't think straight; I'm numb. It was just ten days ago that the vet gave Dasher a month to live and we're putting her down tomorrow.

With her condition, there have been a lot of ups and downs. One day she'll be eating and running around outside and the next day her food will go untouched, she'll shake for fifteen minutes straight and she'll throw up every last bit of what's in her stomach. We've given her three doses (1L each) of hydration fluid at our house over the past week. With her kidneys not flushing out the toxins properly, it was important for us to administer this fluid to keep her hydrated and do some flushing. Never in a million years did I think I'd be holding Dashie's heavy head in my hands while my mom stuck a needle in her back. It was like a dehydrated patient in a hospital except it was our dog and we were in our own house. It felt so wrong. Some of the time she responded quite well to the liquids while other times she would throw it up all night long.

Yesterday she hit one of her low points. I offered her a treat and she just stared at me blankly, looking scared and pleading for help. My mom and I decided that we just cannot do this anymore. We can't do it to Dash. She's miserable. This can't be about us. Sure, I would love to do everything possible to keep her alive but we have to think about how our girl feels. This is her life. This is about her. We're going to send her off to a much happier, more comfortable place. This is killing me, it's tearing me open and ripping everything out of me, but I know this is right.