Happiness

Today is a good day. I'm sitting on the second floor of a Starbucks in Georgetown, DC, peering out the door at those sitting on the outdoor deck. There's some cute guy reading a book with one foot up on the chair next to him, and a sweet elderly couple just out enjoying this beautiful weather. I should be doing homework right now, but I just don't have the drive. It's vacation so I'm letting it slide.

I'm in the midst of these years where I'm supposed to be finding myself. At least I think that's what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'd say I'm on my way. The road is long, for god's sake! But man is it good. As I look back on this year--junior year--I can pinpoint some of the rougher times. They sure have been present, but so have the good. I hope that I'll look back on this year with a light, happy heart and be grateful for all that was, for all that is. It's amazing, knowing that I can be anyone who I want to be, but it's also so difficult being real and being myself, instead of this person I want to be. Trying to stay true, is what I'm doing. True to my family and to my friends who are so honest and beautiful, and who are on this journey with me. Also, I'm try to remind myself as often as possible that a.) the world doesn't revolve around me and b.) I'm not in this alone. Two very crucial parts of life, I think. Anyway, my point is: life is crazy. This whole living thing! Insanity. And I'm just doing my best, at least I'd like to think I am. Doing my best when I can. How's that? Better.

While this coming Monday means back-to-school and probably a few "this is all too much" tears, today is a good day, and I'm going to enjoy it, goddammit.

Be still, my heart.

Trying so hard to not let this get to me, to be good about this, to be respectful and mature when I so badly want to put up a nasty fight. Trying to be grateful for all that it is and to not think about what it could have been.

That is all. 

I welcomed this day with wide-open arms. This past week was the week from hell; Long papers, late nights, stress, tears. But today? Today was the complete opposite. No loopy laugh attacks like at school, but a constant, peaceful smile. Started it off with a chai latte and a fresh orange at Starbucks, watching my mama work. I mindlessly stared at her, studying her face--each wrinkle, a sign of hard work--and I thought about what she has taught me, what she is teaching me and I am grateful. For just a day, I tried to push all of the pressure aside and just be. I walked around slowly, taking it all in--the sunshine, the cool air on my warm skin, the people of this world--rich, poor, smiling, angry, homeless, scared, young, old, naive. I felt so alive and present and independent; I felt good, after a week of bad.

I did a lot of driving today, which I love. So soothing--just me and the road, with the occasional car passing by and with the trees looming overhead. It was the perfect opportunity for me to be alone with my thoughts. I thought about who I am as a person and who I want to be and how I will find that realistic medium between the two--what I need to change, and lord knows there's a lot. I thought about my sister and how she's graduating this year. Graduating! Starting a new chapter in her life and damn, am I proud of her. To watch the bumps along her road, her recovery, her progress and her achievements has been such a bittersweet privilege. She has such a beautiful and gentle heart and a  wild, free soul. I thought of my relationship with my father; how I so desperately wish it were different but how I'm still grateful for what we do have and for my ability to not let it weigh my heart down too often. I thought of my faith, how I'm still not quite sure what I believe and how that's okay for now. I thought of my future, how scary it is, but how I have people behind me, believing it'll be bright. I thought of how I felt left out today, how I wasn't invited to something but how I can't be included in everything because that's just how life works. Lastly, I thought about how I want to be more peaceful... more zen and the following quote came to mind.

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And as my head is about to hit the pillow and my eyes are slowly closing,  I am in just that place and my heart is ever so calm.

I'm Thankful...

~for my crazy puppy who is 40 pounds of pure love and who manages to get cuter every day.
~for "no shave november." That's all I have to say about that one.
~for my teachers who deprive me of sleep but in turn are giving me a bang-up education. 
~for my job which is a consistent source of income and which has taught me a lot about hard work. 
~for the sun that rises each morning and sets each night and never ceases to amaze me with its beauty. 
~for my body and my mind and the resilience that both possess.
~for my friends who keep me laughing and who always catch me when I fall. 
~for my parents who always remind me of my potential and who never let me give up. 
~for Bruces' Burritos for fulfilling my constant need for Mexican food.
~for snow--yippee!
~for this blessed life. 

Finding the Silver Lining

You can blame summer for my lack of appearance on here. I've been busy and it's been good. Life lately has been a wild ride but I've held on tight; I've accepted things I wouldn't normally be willing to accept and at this point, nothing surprises me anymore. There has been more change in these past few months than there has been in this past year but for once, I feel in control of my emotions, my actions and my life as a whole. I feel stable, happy and ever so grateful for the wonderful people that make me smile each day. In two weeks, school starts and I'll turn another page in this huge book of life. It will be perhaps one of the most challenging nine months of my life thus far, but right now I'm trying to look past the tears and suffering that it will entail and see the beauty in the routine of school and the rewarding moments that makes it all worth it. I'm going to go in strong and when I feel my knees getting weak and my life starting to crumble, I will come right back here and read about how it is indeed possible for me to gain control and find the silver lining amidst the chaos of life.

My Girl

Dear Luna,

I think you get cuter each day. And also more mischievous. You are so sneaky and aggravating at times (like when you ate through my flip flop strap today) but for the most part, you are the sweetest girl in the world.

I love you, babe.

xo,
Soph

Coming home.

Windows down, fresh summer breeze pouring in. Sun on my back, clouds overhead, lightning ahead in the distance. I don’t mind being stuck in traffic, I have nowhere to be. Christina Perri’s voice spills out of the speakers, filling the car with sound. I scan my surroundings, finding immediate peace in the midst of rush hour. Everyone is on their way home; to their husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, senile parent, dysfunctional sibling, kids, dog, parrot, empty house, cluttered apartment, tattered shack, shimmering mansion, whatever. They are going home. I am going home too. Nobody will be there to greet me, except for the puppy. Mom is working late tonight. This has become the norm and I am okay with it. I fly around the corner of the exit that takes me home and my CDs scatter everywhere. I follow a “student driver” for a few miles. That nervous teen was me a year ago, going two under the speed limit, putting on the brakes for the slightest curve in the road, gripping the steering wheel with each muscle in my hand. Now here I am, a year later, driving alone, embracing the privilege of having this sacred time to think. I think of my day, I didn’t really accomplish much but I did spend time with the grandparents. My grandfather has gotten so old. For every thought he cares to share, he has to search for the words. For each step he takes, he shuffles those bony feet of his. I like the way my grandmother still calls him “babe” and it melted my heart from when sitting in the back seat, I saw him reach over and rest his hand on her thigh, giving a gentle, loving pat. I think of how funny this whole life thing is and how strange and thought provoking it is for me to watch this man, who has eighty years on me mind you, decline. For a moment, I feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of this gift I have been given--life. I take a large deep breath as the wind pulls my hair to one side and as I exhale, I feel my eyes twinkle and my smile widen. I am blessed.

Life

I made it. I powered through finals and I finished my sophomore year. That was like...ten days ago, so clearly I have some updating to do. On my last school night, as I grappled with explaining why WWII led to the Cold War, and I stayed up until 3am doing so, I decided that I deserved something special--an end of the year gift, if you will. But I decided for it to feel as rewarding as possible, I needed to buy it for myself. I settled on a MacBook Pro. It was a spontaneous, impulsive purchase but something that will come in very handy as I approach my junior year.

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I missed blogging about Father's Day, so here are some very belated words. Happy Father's Day, Dad. I know things have been rough lately but I love you to death and I sincerely hope that our relationship is on the mend.

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I started watching Glee. In fact, I watched 11 episodes in three days (it was rainy, I swear). It's wicked funny and cute and has the best cast of characters. They are all so stereotypical and that's what I love about them. Matthew Morrison, who plays the role of the Glee Club advisor, is hot and so enjoyable to watch and Jane Lynch, who plays the cheerleading coach, is so sarcastic and has the most contemptuous humor. I'm not a huge fan of TV shows but I have been converted to a Glee fan!

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These are the days that I pined for all winter long. Summer is here and I am doing my best to savor each precious minute. I can't find many words today, which might have something to do with the fact that my brain has entered full-on summer mode. All I can say is that life is good, summer is treating me really well and I am happy and blessed. On that note, I leave you with some pictures of the start to a really great, two month long adventure: summer.

Thoughts on a Thursday Evening.

Tonight I feel raw. I feel broken and I feel vulnerable. I feel like life is passing by right before my eyes and I'm sprinting to catch up but I just can't run fast enough. So much is going on, so much is changing and I'm trying to adjust, trying to graciously accept each new day.

Today at my school we had our "Class Day" ceremony for the seniors. Awards were given by each department, the band played, the chorus sung and silly speeches were made. For the first time this year, we saw the seniors marching in their caps and gowns, their parents watching them proudly while the underclassmen (that's me!) sat on the bleachers, admiring their accomplishments and envisioning the day where they are recognized for making it through twelve years of schooling. It's hard enough to grasp the fact that this graduating class will not be with us next year. The current juniors will walk in the footsteps of the seniors while us sophomores excitedly become upperclassmen. The current freshmen will become sophomores and will worry about being the forgotten grade and the little, dear incoming freshmen will walk through the halls with fear as they turn a major page in the book of life.

Not only am I feeling anxious for finals, for finishing up this year so we can ease into summer but I also can't stop thinking about what my life will be like in two years. I will be one of those students dressed in a cap and gown, marching down that aisle while MY family comes to the realization that I will shortly be entering the "real world." It's a scary place, this real world. In just two short years, will I be ready to leave my parents? I will have been with them for eighteen years and then with just a simple snap of the fingers, I'll be gone. Of course I'll be home for holidays and such but I will not be living under this roof where I feel so safe and so loved. I assume the seniors who are graduating on Sunday are thinking these thoughts. And why am I thinking them when I still have two years to go, you ask? Simply because today when I heard a few seniors speak of how surreal all of this was and how fast it happened, I got concerned. What if I don't embrace these next two years, these last, precious years with my best friends, my family and my community? I know these years will be challenging, brain-wracking, heart-wrenching, life changing and oh so precious. I will run fast, I will run as fast as my legs will let me and I will catch up to life. I will reach the point where I am feeling in touch, secure and at peace with the new changes that life will throw at me over the course of the next two years.

One week.

Exactly one week ago, we brought our sweet pup home. It's been one CRAZY seven days but despite the lunacy of it all, it's been a really special time in my life. There have been tears, early mornings, rugs saturated with pee and some minor annoyances but there has also been an immense amount of love and happiness in the air. So, as a way for me to remember this time, I'm writing a letter. A letter to the little girl who has changed my life.

Dear Stellaluna,

First off, I'm sorry that we've changed your name so many times. I kno

w it must be confusing for you, but I promise you, we're set on Luna. You came into my life at such an opportune time; when I was hurting most and when I needed a furry friend to pull my mind away from the confusion of life. When Mama told me we were getting you, I screamed until I lost my voice. That's how excited I was.

We drove to New Hampshire, a week ago today, and we waited eagerly in a busy Wal-Mart parking lot. I watched as a truck with a huge gray trailer rounded the corner to where we were standing. My heart skipped a beat and an unexpected wave of emotion washed over me. I was nervous. Nothing felt certain; what if you were some aggressive serial killer doggy? Brushing that thought out of my mind, I grabbed our leash and ran over the truck. People were lined up but of course Mom didn't realize that. She was just too excited! We saw some of your siblings coming out and both of us ran to the man who was dealing with the pape

rwork. "Darci! We're here to pick up Darci!!," Mom exclaimed.

Before I knew it, there you were, cradled in the arms of the driver. He handed you over to me and my heart melted. A tear or two fell from eyes. You were (and still are!) so beautiful. I kissed you a million times and told you how I was already in love with you. You were perfectly still as I carried you over the small grassy patch near the parking lot. I lay on the grou

nd while you climbed all over me, licking my face, stepping on my stomach, tickling my ear and giving me some much needed and appreciated puppy love. In an instant, I fell even more in love and I knew that you were going to be a special gem. You slept for the entire ride home. We could tell you were something else!

We'd only been home for about five minutes before eight or nine of my friends showed up. We sat on the kitchen floor while you romped among us, giving a balanced amount of love to each person. You charmed us all! Whenever we're in crowds of people like that, I'm so happy to call you mine.

When we were preparing to come get you, I only thought of the good stuff that puppies bring. I forgot about the fact that you little critters love to eat and get into everything, pee on the floor and get up insanely early. I know this sounds silly but I expected you to fix everything; to take away all my pain and worries and to only bring happiness. I'll be honest, I had high expectations. And baby girl, don't get me wrong, I love you to death and you know that. But, when in the course of an hour, you shredded a picture of Dasher, peed on my rug, ate a piece of paper, and bit my ear, I was upset. I know you're a puppy and all but those little moments forced me to return to my grieving of Dasher which I had so conveniently placed on the back burner. For an instant, I felt like I loved her more. And I did love her more and it will always be that way. But let me tell you, I love you as much as my little heart will let me. With Dasher, she had my full heart. With you, you have 99.9% of it because Dasher still has that little .1%. And what was I thinking getting mad at you for little things like that? You're a puppy. Puppies do that. We're working on our gentle discipline and our training. You're doing really well. You can already sit and you come when we clap, just after one week.

Luna love, you bring us endless hours of joy. I love you more with each second and each kiss that you give me. Thank you for never peeing more than once in the house each day, for sleeping through the night, for being such a happy girl and for filling that large gap in my heart. You're my little savior and I love you to the moon and back. Never forget that.

Love,

Soph