Celebrating Life.

The last time I blogged was on March 10th, the day before what I thought would be Dasher's last day of life. We had the appointment made and of course, our sweet, resilient girl decided to perk up that day. There was no way we'd put her down if her tail was wagging. That weekend, her eyesight became more and more impaired to the point where there was a thick glaze over her eyes and we were sure that she couldn't see. Her hind legs became weaker and walking was a strenuous, difficult task for her. Her blood pressure was so high and she shook constantly. It was a painful, heart-wrenching time for us all. As painful as it was, she was definitely giving us signs that her body had endured enough.

On Monday the 14th, my mom called our vet and made the appointment for 5pm that day. I left school an hour or two early so I could spend some more time with my babe. It was really, really hard. I felt numb, broken and vulnerable. I buried my teary face in her silky fur as I told her how much I love her. Right before 5pm, Dasher trudged upstairs one last time. I followed her as she snuck into my room. One last rest on my bed, that's all she wanted. I willingly helped her up and I snuggled right up to her bony body. I looked straight into her eyes. For a few minutes, we lay there, just the two of us, silent. There was an overbearing sense of calm and so much love present.

5pm rolled around much too quickly. Our lovely vet, Louise arrived at our house right on time. It killed me to force Dasher down those stairs one more time but I feared associating my bed with her death so when she made it to the top of the stairs, I scooped her frail, bony body up into my arms and I carried her down to the living room. Louise sedated her and she slowly collapsed to the floor. With one hand stroking her long, soft ears, I read the poem below.

Native American Prayer

I give you this one thought to keep-

I am with you still-I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awake in the morning's hush

I am the swift, uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not think of me as gone-

I am with you still-in each new dawn.

Halfway through the poem, tears started streaming down my face again. The reality of what was happening started to overpower the numbness that had encompassed my body. We sat there for a few minutes, staring at her limp, sleeping body. Memories from the first day I laid eyes on her flashed through my mind. Her short eight years here on this earth were filled with so much love, joy and beauty and the thought of that got me through. It was the first time I had experienced death firsthand. I was amazed how one minute she was with us--breathing, staring deep into my soul--and the next, she was gone. But I guess that's just how death is.

Baby girl, my love for you is eternal. You were the sunshine on a cloudy day and I miss you like hell. I hope your sweet soul is eating endless amounts of treats and dindin, wherever it may be. Until we reconnect someday, remember that I love you. Love, Soph.

Numb.

I have no appetite, my head is pounding and I can't think straight; I'm numb. It was just ten days ago that the vet gave Dasher a month to live and we're putting her down tomorrow.

With her condition, there have been a lot of ups and downs. One day she'll be eating and running around outside and the next day her food will go untouched, she'll shake for fifteen minutes straight and she'll throw up every last bit of what's in her stomach. We've given her three doses (1L each) of hydration fluid at our house over the past week. With her kidneys not flushing out the toxins properly, it was important for us to administer this fluid to keep her hydrated and do some flushing. Never in a million years did I think I'd be holding Dashie's heavy head in my hands while my mom stuck a needle in her back. It was like a dehydrated patient in a hospital except it was our dog and we were in our own house. It felt so wrong. Some of the time she responded quite well to the liquids while other times she would throw it up all night long.

Yesterday she hit one of her low points. I offered her a treat and she just stared at me blankly, looking scared and pleading for help. My mom and I decided that we just cannot do this anymore. We can't do it to Dash. She's miserable. This can't be about us. Sure, I would love to do everything possible to keep her alive but we have to think about how our girl feels. This is her life. This is about her. We're going to send her off to a much happier, more comfortable place. This is killing me, it's tearing me open and ripping everything out of me, but I know this is right.

I love you, baby girl.

She has a fear of cameras so I always have to hop in the picture with her.

I am at loss for words. I cannot explain the wave of grief that washed over me and knocked me down yesterday. My sweet girl, Dasher, was diagnosed with chronic kidney failure and lyme disease. Only one fourth of one kidney is functioning and they gave her a month to live. A month is not long enough for me to tell her all I have to say. This dog has changed my life. She's more than just a dog; she's my best friend. I will never forget the moment I saw her fly out of a dog crate with her huge ears and oversize paws, just bounding with puppy love. These eight years with her have been something else. Just one look into her sweet eyes can totally turn my day around. My friends always joke, "Sophie, your dog is staring deep into my soul!", but that's exactly what she does. She looks at you with such emotion and meaning; it's impossible to look at her without your heart melting.

At this point, I feel like it's just a scary waiting game. I find myself drifting over to where she's curled up in a club chair about every five minutes to get on my knees, wrap my arms around her little body, bury my face in her soft fur, take in her rugged dog smell, kiss her a few times and whisper "I love you, baby girl" as many times as I can. I am determined to make this next month (or hopefully longer!) extra special. I want to store as many memories in my mind as possible and I want my girl to feel so very loved. I'm trying to keep my chin up because I know she's had such a great life but at the same time this has all happened so fast and the thought of not having her here is terrifying. One day at a time, one day at a time.

I wish I could come up with witty titles.

Most bloggers are great at coming up with a creative, catchy title for their posts...but I have nothing. Maybe that comes with time.

Anyway, I am on vacation. No, not like go-somewhere-really-warm-and-sunny vacation but like...I-won't-be-at-school-all-next-week type of thing. I am devoting this break to sleep and crafts because with the two of them, life can't get any better. [Except if my friends were around to do those two things with me...then it could.]

In addition to crafting and sleeping I will be spending abnormal amounts of time on this site. I just can't get enough.

Tonight I am off to the land of old people...aka my grandparents house. I adore them and can't wait to spend the evening with them+my kooky uncle+his wonderful girl friend+my mom. Should be a good night!

Happy weekending.

I Think I can, I think I can.

I'm chugging along like the little engine that could. School is getting harder, teachers are giving more homework and the number of hours of sleep I get are plummeting. But I'm making it. I will survive this. Somewhere beneath my negative feelings towards my monotonous life I have a little ounce of optimism and that is just what is getting me through. I've learned to laugh at the little things lately because laughing always makes things better...even math class. February vacation begins at 2:12 on Friday afternoon and I'm looking forward to it. I have no plans whatsoever but I think that's exactly what I need right now. It will be good.

In 20 minutes it will be Thursday. Good lord. I better get started on my homework.

Nighty night.

Yep. Mhmm.

It was two weeks ago today that I posted about my "Tuesday Blues." Tuesday Blues must be like...a real thing, 'cause I'm feelin' them again today. Waking up Monday morning is usually painful for me but after the initial shock of "Holy-shit-it's-6am-and-I'm-awake-amd yesterday at this time I was in a deep sleep" I feel energized and ready for a fresh new week. Tuesday mornings are when it hits me that there are still four more full days of school before I get another break. Is it bad that I count down the days before each weekend? I have a feeling I'm not the only one who's not totally enjoying school right now.

It's been snowing quite a bit lately (a foot last week, resulting in a snow day on Wednesday) and I think I am already suffering from a little cabin fever. Life seems to be moving slowly...but I guess now is the time that I should enjoy this slow pace because (if what everyone says is true) before I know it, I'll be graduating from high school and eventually college.

There's so much more I wish that I could go into tonight but I have textbooks sitting in front of me just yelling "STUDY ME, STUDY ME!"

Oh yeah and tomorrow? Tomorrow I'll be making this delicious thing to celebrate a life and a few other things with some friends. Something to look forward to as I head into Hump Day!

Tuesday Blues

I would say "Monday Blues" but it's not Monday, it's Tuesday, as I'm sure you know. But, it feels like Monday. And it feels blah. I feel blah. I'm tired. I need a little pick-me-up. I'm about to go babysit. Hopefully my girlies smiling faces will cheer me up (and not do the opposite...because sometimes young children have that wonderful effect of turning you into a grumpy grouch.)

I forgot how tiring school days are. Maybe it will snow sometime in the next few days. A lot. Like, enough for a snow day. But it's highly unlikely. Oh well.

I can't wait to make it over the hump tomorrow. (And freeze my @$$ off skiing tomorrow evening.) Yes, I just used "@$$" for "ass". Hahahah.

A Happy Start to the Week.

VIA

Last Friday was a snow day. I love snow days. They make me so happy. Jess came over for some ramen, tater tots, pizza and chocolate milk. (We eat sooo healthily.) We watched The Notebook. Then we napped. Then we chatted. Then we went to bed. Ideal snow day activities? I think so.

VIA

Saturday, my mom and I did some spring, wait, no...winter cleaning. Felt good. Then we forced ourselves to go to the gym. I got an hour or so of much needed exercise in. Also felt good. Saturday night I was at my dad's. We watched The Kids Are All Right which was a great movie, IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT WITH YOUR FATHER AND STEP MOM. I'm telling you, these movies really need a warning on the cover that goes something like this: "This movie contains multiple sex scenes, including some lesbian sex and quite a bit of foul language. Don't watch with parents." The story was cute though and the acting was good.

Sunday was relaxing. I cleaned my room at my dad's. My room there never really gets messy since I don't have many of my belongings there but it does get DUSTY which is just nasty. A little of this did the trick. In the afternoon, Jess and our friend Helena and I went to see No Strings Attached.



Quite honestly, the trailed doesn't do the movie justice. The only reason I wanted to see it was because I realized (after seeing Black Swan) just how great of an actress Natalie Portman is and I was curious to see how things would go with Ashton Kutcher who, despite his hotness, is not someone you would expect to see acting right alongside Portman. It turned out to be one of the best chick flicks I've seen in a long time! It's funny, flirty and cute! It was interesting to see Portman play such a light role after Black Swan, but she definitely rocked it. Kutcher was just adorable. Go see it. You'll agree.

Today I didn't have to be at school until 9:30 to take my last exam which, lucky for me, was just my art final. It is SO incredibly cold here. We're talkin' negatives. Made for a numbing walk home from school. Luckily I had four amigos to join me on the journey. Then I got to cook lunch for them. Then we had a tea party. Then they all left for track practice and since skiing was canceled (see the second and third sentence of this paragraph), I'm in for the night. Something about this cold weather makes me want to never leave the house and I'm okay with that.

I'm ready for things to get back to normal. Now that Henry and Lucy are gone, my mom and I feel like empty nesters but at the same time, we're realizing that it's time return to our usual routines. Plus, exams are over and a new semester is beginning. This will be good.

[Regarding my original fun weekend plans: Things changed. (They always seem to!) But, on the bright side, that little get-together will be rescheduled. And, I've already made plans for this coming weekend. I'm suddenly planning things in advance...oh my! What fun!]

Have a happy week. And don't freeze your tush off...because then that would make two frozen tushes, mine being the first.

It's midterm week, yo.

Good:
-I'm halfway through my sophomore year!
-I got out of school at 9:30am today, 11am yesterday and tomorrow and Friday I'll get out at 11am as well.
-I only have three more midterms.
-I have fun weekend plans {Skating, burritos and a movie marathon with the best friends in the world}.

Bad:
-I went to bed at 2:30am yesterday morning AND this morning.
-I managed to turn my alarm off in my sleep and I woke to a text at 7:29 this morning--I had to be at school by 7:40. I didn't even get my morning pee in (TMI?).
-The chem midterm that I took today totally kicked my ass.
-Pandora won't let me listen to music for the rest of the month--they have a 40 hour limit each month.
-Tonight is Lucy's last night here. This is the baddest.

Wanna see something really cute?

Lex & Loren - Engagement/Save the date! from Loren Brinton Films on Vimeo.

Oh yeah, and, Happy Hump Day.

Goodbye and Hello.

2010 is over. Gone forever. There's no turning back now. However, 2010 deserves a proper goodbye. So, this post is dedicated to you, 2010--A big fat "thank you" for everything you've done.

When I look back on the 365 days that made up this past year, so many thoughts race through my head. This year was full of laughter, transformation, changes, realizations, revelations, soul-searching and joy. There sure were some trials--some moments where all I wanted to do was give up. (Quite a few actually…but that’s only human, right?) But, 2010 taught me to take each day at a time and appreciate every little moment I have in this Life. Want a little review of my year? Yeah? Okay here it is.

I honestly don't have much recollection of the first few months. I remember surviving my first set of high school mid-year exams, doing some skiing and getting a new cell phone. Those weren't very exciting months for me. In April I was scheduled to leave for France (with a school group) on the 17th but the trip was postponed to June due to the volcano in Iceland that created ash clouds that covered Europe and created serious havoc in airports. We ended up leaving June 20th, the day after school got out for the summer. It was perfect. Our minds were free of scholarly thoughts, the weather was wonderful, everyone was in good spirits, we packed a LOT into the time we had there and an amazing time was had by all.

On July 1st, I took a huge step out of my comfort zone and ended up having one of the best experiences of my life. I traveled to the beautiful island of Vinalhaven with a happy little family of five--and no, this was not my family. It was Julia and Barney's family which included three beautiful littles; Elsie, Anna and Faye. I knew them quite well. They live in my town and I had babysat for their girls for about two years before they asked me to join them on their island adventures. For a month, I lived in the "Poor Farm" with them. I got a good taste of what 24/7 parenting is like. Julia was almost always with me (which was a blessing!) so together with the girls we explored the beautiful island by going on various adventures and hikes, we went boating, swimming (in the ocean and the quarries), picnicking, walking and we did a heck of a lot of playing/entertaining.

Frankly, the month that I spent with them was one of the most challenging months of my life. However, it was also one of the most rewarding, beautiful and life-changing months. Not only did I learn how to turn a 2, 4 or 6 year old's frown upside down, change a diaper in a matter of seconds, keep in my swear-words, be patient, discipline fairly and cook for five, but I also learned so much about myself and that is a big part of what I took away from all of this.

When you are put in a place without cell service, television and internet (so, basically away from society altogether), you are bound to learn to enjoy the peace and serenity. It was a big change for me--checking Facebook daily to not at all--but it was the best thing for me. Sure, I was away from society, but I was also away from my family and my closest friends. It was a strange feeling. It was a good feeling, though. I had nobody to look over me--I was forced to think on my own, grow up a little. Because I didn't have any of the distractions that modern day technology brought me, I relied on my mind for entertainment. It was early in the morning, as the sun streamed through the windows onto my face, and late at night, when the house was silent (aside from the occasional passing of a ghost), that I was completely alone with my thoughts. I had moments like I've never had before. I had the time to assess so many parts of my life, the people in it and myself as a being. I wrestled with the rougher thoughts and turned them into something beautiful. The stars must have been aligned when I got this wonderful offer because I know that it was meant to be--I was meant to be thrown a reality check and a big wake-up call. I'm grateful. Oh and one last thing about Vinalhaven...I turned fifteen while I was there! I couldn't have been in a better place to turn another year older!

August was filled with lots of field hockey...camp for a week and then pre-season for two weeks. September 1st marked the start of a new school year which is, as of this week, half way over. Thank god. But, the best part of August? Getting my drivers permit! It took me most of the fall to get back into the routine of school and homework and all that jazz but I must say it felt good to be back in the swing of things. December brought a nice trip to Montreal (that deserves it's own post), some snow and my favorite of all, some serious bonding with my sister.

2010 made me a happier person and just thinking about that makes me happy. I learned a lot this year and I have even more to learn...which is why 2011 is here. Hooray for another year! Happy 2011, y'all.

Note: I have no clue why this post took so long...perhaps it was my scattered thoughts that took a long time to compile...or maybe it's that I was just plain old neglecting bloggy.